trying to find a needle in a haystack isnt hard at all like wtf all u gotta do is burn the fuckin hay
u are the future
find the hay in the needlestack tho
if we ever get off this fucking website we are going to do great things
I’ve been reading all this stuff about insomniacs; people with OCD.
It kind of makes me feel like a genius. But on one hand it’s like…
But it’s like…my brain’s just made weird.
But this lack of sleep lately’s been…bad. I haven’t even been eating that much, but I feel like my weight’s worse than a few months ago. Sleep deprivation adds and adds and adds, and I guess the effects can get worse. My torso is mad stupid right now.
I mean, I am getting sleep. Like I’ve been noticing: more than in high school. But I can’t hold up as well. I used to have an amazing memory. I used to be able to stay up late and so all kinds of things: working on my stories, working on my iTunes library, watching TV, reading, drawing. But after all these years I can’t do that anymore.
And there’s no sleep here for me. I mean, my mind’s more restless than ever. It’s not just stress; it’s this show. It’s all kinds of things. Then you have people waking me up before my alarm goes off. Then I can’t take naps during the day because “I’m 21”, and God forbid a 21 year old be sleepy.
Then I’m not even waking up to my alarm. I’m sleeping through it. For minutes, and at the most sometimes, two hours.
I’m kind of letting go of my control freak stuff. I don’t remember the last time I dusted, or “looked around”. And the other week, I put a black shirt on the hanger with colored shirts. But I’m also probably tired of it too.
I’m just tired. I washed one load of clothes days ago. And…the rest are in the bag. And tonight, I didn’t get any work done. I wanted to start emailing and calling agents. But I was like “screw it”, because I’m just too tired. Even if I had my list finished, I’m not focused enough to do anything.
And I think about when I do work, or do anything. I’m normally focused, obsessively. I’m energetic. But like I’ve been telling myself lately: I’m not a god. Regardless of how well I do anything, or how amazing I can be; people need rest. I’m so used to giving my all, walking for hours at a time. And now look: I’m weak and overweight.
And part of it these days is that: there’s no space for me to sleep. Today I slept until about 2:00 PM. And that’s what I need. I literally need to sleep for as long as possible, for days, months. My body needs rest like crazy. My mind’s one thing, but once I am asleep, I’m asleep.
And there’s nowhere to go. I can’t be weak in this house. It’s exposing myself too much. It’s crossing a line.
But I am weak. I need to deal with this. I need rest. I need some peace. I need to relax. I can’t keep living this whole “double life” thing, where facts and reality don’t line up. Where what I do isn’t what’s projected to so many people.
But I’m tired. It’s almost half of March. I need to talk to these agents. But I’m tired. I have all this work to do. And I can’t get any sleep. I can’t be comfortable. I can’t relax.
This past year especially’s been bad. Doing all this stuff at night. That’s the only time I can work. I’m not in a place in life where I can go out and do things other places. It’s weird. I mean, this house isn’t comfortable, but my stuff is here. There’s no comfort for me anywhere. But at least near my stuff, I have a home in a weird way.
But they throw me off during the day. As long as they’re near me, I can’t do anything: write, watch a movie, watch TV, breathe, relax, anything. So I do things at night. But you have to rest sometime right? Even Jedi need sleep. Heck, God rested after making the earth! So why the hell am I not able to take a a fucking break?
But I can’t take a break. No one’ll let me, because in their eyes, there’s no need. Which is my fault, but it’s something I did for a reason. If they knew I was doing all this, it wouldn’t exist. I’m not meant for them. At all. Anything. Good or bad. And they’re not meant for me.
It’s like sincerely pouring your heart out to “rape”. The idea of “rape”. It’s just not right. And their first reaction to this “laziness” that I’ve let them believe are threats, pure rage, hate, destruction. And it’s like….this is why we’re not supposed to be near each other.
But I need a break. But there’s no space or time. Even if a billionaire offered me a trip to a resort, I don’t have time to relax. But I need to. And this is why…
It’s nothing new. Reality and facts just don’t line up. I contradict myself just by existing…all the time.
And I’m not trying to be happy. I really don’t know what I’m doing. But…I’m stuck on this.
I have an active mind. But it’s bad these days. It’s filled with worry and anticipation. It’s calculating. It’s plotting. It’s considering. ‘Cause nothing’s set. There’s nothing but….”possibility” these days. Everything’s open. I guess some things are set, good things actually. But there’s more that’s possible. Other complicated routes; directions.
A home base, “something” needs to happen. It’s nice to have possibility. But any possibility is basically connected to me in dangerous levels these days. It’s connected to fate. And that’s just….heavy. Ultimate fate.
Ever since the sequel trilogy was announced, this’s been on my mind.
And I think analyzing things can ruin it, so I won’t say anything out loud. It’s a creative thing. But to say that Star Wars is fiction is a sin. So…I know I sound weird but…yeah…I don’t wanna talk about it like that. But….yeah…
Just found out about Ghibli Jam last week! I didn’t want to wait another year so I quickly drew up something the past two days…Normally I only use tumblr to explore art, design, and new ideas, but I decided to participate because I love Studio Ghibli’s work so much!
For this Ghibli Jam I decided to combine my two most favorite works of Miyazaki, The Castle in the Sky and Howl’s Moving Castle thus the title:
Howl’s Moving Castle Meets Laputa
(sorry the quality is not as good! I did not have a scanner with me…) I hope this isn’t too late to be submitted!
Truths in my own life. I don’t think it’s like that for most people though. Nothing lines up.
The color blue isn’t allowed to be blue. It’s actually red, even though it clearly looks blue. The water is clearly hot, it feels hot, it burns the skin; but it’ll be called “cold”. These are the kinds of things I have to deal with. With myself too. I’m starting to become a little “ashamed” of the past few years. Looking at old pictures, I can’t even believe that I moved in that body. That wasn’t supposed to be me. And the fact that people let me walk around with my hair looking like that. It just…
But who cares? Nothing can make up for it right? Just gotta bury it and try to move on.
I’m thinking about mass deleting some pictures. Damn them to hell and beyond. Screw the past.
I’m just in a crappy mood today. I never realized how important that morning isolation was. I just can’t stand seeing them in the morning.
Two days ago the house was empty. I woke up, my brain worked so much better. I cleaned like crazy. No stress. Just nice cleaning. No one asked me to. But it’s been like this for years. I just work better without them around. Which is why I need to move.
I’m not trying to be happy. “Stuff just is.”: simple, clean. For now: unflavored ice cream. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it is self esteem. But I’m not trying to be happy.
People need to learn boundaries. That doesn’t have much to do with this picture but:
There’re people who I don’t mind seeing as soon as I wake up. And then people I do. There’s no one in the second group right now. I feel like crap. Especially after the dream I had last night. My little brother needs to learn to back off. I’m not trying to be mean but…he just needs to go away.
I just need my own place. I need some sleep. I need to be able to empty my brain. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know “why” anything these days. I just move. I just do.